Yup, you read that right: tits’n’ass. I refer, of course, to the things that they don’t tell you about when you start running for a hobby.
Tits I have probably mentioned before – the unpleasantry which is jogger’s nipple. This is precisely what it sounds like – it is the chafing of the nipple against a running vest which has become infused with perspiration. Generally this occurs after the 5K mark but before the 10K. There are two remedies (for men, anyway, women have the third option of a well fitted sports bra) – these are (1) find a running vest which doesn’t chafe and (2) apply a dab of vaseline or aqueous solution to each nipple before donning the vest to act as a barrier. The first if these is preferable in the long run and in my own case I appear to have achieved this.
Ass refers to another that they don’t tell you about – jogger’s trots. This is the unpleasant sensation of urgently requiring to use the bathroom when out on a run – and it usually occurs when one is some distance away from a loo. If it strikes then you have few options, the most preferable being to slow down to a walk and, er, hold it in until relief can be found.
Better, of course, is prevention. The main cause of jogger’s trots would appear to be the presence of undigested food in your tummy. When you run the blood is diverted towards your heart and lungs and away from other tasks – such as your digestive system. Undigested food and fluids coupled with the shaking up of your body when running leads to the inevitable. The remedies concentrate on the causes. The first is to make sure you have eaten easily digested food if you know you are going for a run – so swap your breakfast of muesli and fruit for peanut butter and jam on white bread or bananas and give it time to digest. Try drinking only water rather than tea or coffee before you go out but not for the hour or so before you go. And go to the loo before you go out!
We could talk about thighs too – when you run a distance and you perspire then your thighs will rub together and, if you run long enough, friction burns will result. The best way to avoid this is to spread either vaseline or aqueous cream on the vulnerable part prior to running. Medicated talc doesn’t do the job by the way .
This has been a public service posting from your friendly neighbourhood jogger.
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